Taking care of ZHANG CHUNHUA for Dummies
by Insertnameheretwentytimes
Summary: A manual to taking care of the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit.


**INTT: I may be doing all of Jin since they are a pretty small kingdom to do and finish.**

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**Introduction**

Congratulations, you poor/lucky bastard. (Depending how you're going to use this unit.) You now own the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit. Don't you lie to me, you just got her because you're too goddamn lazy to take care of the SIMA YI, SIMA SHI, or SIMA ZHAO units yourself. Oh well, you can continue writing that novel while she does your work. You lazy f**k, you don't have a novel going on. You just want to play Skyrim all day while you listen to SIMA YI getting a broom up his (nice) ass.

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**Comes with...**

**Seven (7) (hooker) dresses **

**Seven (7) leggings with DNA-shaped holes in 'em? (I have no idea what the designers were looking at when they came up with those stockings/pants/leggings?)**

**Two (2) hair pins/chopsticks**

**Two (2) pairs of high heels **

**One (1) pair of (bondage) claws**

**One (1) small bottle of arsenic**

** Forty (40) bottles of L'oreal shampoo (What? Didn't expect that? Her hair is just as important as SIMA SHI's.)**

**Basic Information**

**Name: Zhang Chunhua (No, not chihuahua, you idiot)**

**Gender: Female (Do not confuse her for SIMA ZHAO)**

**Other names: Bewbs, hooker dress lady, Mother, Cho Shunka **

**Place of Manufacture: Unknown, China**

**Famous for: Murdering a maid as a kid. Having Sima Shi and Sima Zhao. Good moral character and intelligence. (Historically for the good moral thing)**

**Spouse: Sima Yi (Aka h%er sug# ar dad#& dy) Damn it, Takasugi! You know I can't strikethrough these!**

**Children: Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Sima Gan, unnamed daughter**

**Appearance: Surprisingly young-looking when she has two twenty-year old sons**

**Build: Feminine **

**Age: 14 (if Sima Yi's 24...) 25-30 (to avoid Sima Yi becoming Pedobear) **

**Striking Features: Large chest that somehow holds up without a bra (Bah, this game stopped being realistic after Guo Huai got a gun) **

**Height: 5'7 **

**Pe*ni*s Le*n*gth: (Stupid writer copy and pasting this onto every manual including females...) **

**S*e*xual Ori*en*ta*tio*n: Bi*se*x*ua*l* (Stupid editor...) **

**Quirks: Makes plushies for entertainment. Uses a knife WAY too efficiently. Strong resistance against extreme weather. (She wouldn't be wearing a hooker dress during the winter stages if she didn't have this) **

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**Instructions**

She was drugged and forced into the box like the rest of units, so thus the box will be shaky and noisy. Open the box quickly and when she gets out of the box, introduce yourself or else she'll just leave the house or apartment or ignore you if she didn't leave yet. If you're male, DO NOT STARE at her chest. She's going to smack you if you do. I know they're unrealistically large, but this is Japan we're talking about here and she's not even Japanese. No, Chinese and Japanese ARE NOT the same, you racist.

**Care**

She doesn't need you to take care of her, she takes care of YOU. At least later when she likes you. You're not her mom, she can take care of herself in the bathroom. It's her only alone time anyway. Away from her family that's if you have one of those or all three SIMA units around. That L'oreal is for her use only, don't think about using it yourself. (Females and... er Males?)

Unlike most women, she's not on a specific diet, but she does most of the cooking anyway, so don't worry about making her fat. (She can't anyway.) She will take your bed, and if you're female, you can still sleep in that bed. She not going to bite you since you're a cute little girl. (Probably) Guys have to sleep on the floor, no exceptions. Well, if you have the SIMA YI unit, then he's allowed to be in that bed unless he made her mad. If your bed is big enough to hold three people, then go ahead sleep with those two. It's like your parents' house all over again, except you want to bang them.

DO NOT keep alcohol near her. It's a thing with anyone with Zhang in their name. The ZHANG LIAO, ZHANG HE, ZHANG FEI, ZHANG BAO, ZHANG JIAO and ZHANG XINGCAI units, along with her all have a problem or former problem with drinking. In her case, it's former, but takes a few sips once in a while. And then those become bottles. Just don't keep wine around her or she'll just spout things about her family that'll seem a little depressing.

If you own the SIMA YI, SIMA SHI, or SIMA ZHAO units, your job has already been done for you if you own this unit.

**How to keep your ZHANG CHUNHUA unit happy **

She's not interested in your video games and TV, so don't bother. No, not even Candy Crush. Her IQ will drop for being exposed to that. She will take a couple of books thanks to a translator installed into her ear. You cannot see these things because let's face it, you don't want some giant-ass machine thing on the units' ear like if they were the DW Terminators. Overall, just don't piss her off or she'll use that bottle of arsenic in your food. Don't stare at her breasts! (Males) For females... er... She'll question you and you'll just make the interaction between you and her awkward. (Maybe offer her a bra...)Having her family around surely is both entertaining and stressful, but of course she has to love them. Specifically having the SIMA YI unit will give her a punching bag to release the stress of being married to a stupid-hat wearing asshole. If you're some rich brat that has a maid around, please use caution when leaving these two together. Especially when you are faking illness to get out of school.

**The ZHANG CHUNHUA unit will leave you or disobey if the following happens...**

You continuing to point out her large breasts

Asking for her age (It's not polite to ask a woman her age even though it's written in the Basic Info part of this manual)

Walking in on her when she is taking a shower/bath/alone time

Buying a chihuahua for the sake making a dog pun out of her name every chance you get

You treating her like a piece of crap

Make her doing every chore in your house (She's not your goddamn maid)

You showing weakness (She's a daedra lord. Ha, just kidding!)

You die

Forgetting to restock her shampoo bottles (If you also have the SIMA SHI unit, you can make him share his stock, but it is you that has to restock for both units)

Koei coming to take her

Asking her to let you motorboat her (This will cause an automatic disobedience in her. Seriously, don't do it. DON'T. Fine, don't blame me when she isn't giving you the Heimlich when you choke on a carrot.)

**Precautions**

**DO NOT LEAVE THIS UNIT WITH A GUN. THIS UNIT CAN LEARN THINGS VERY QUICKLY AND CAN KILL YOU IF YOU MADE HER ANGRY AT YOU BEFORE. **

**(Males) Your dick will break if you do certain things wrong with this unit. **

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**Special skills**

**-Chinese speaker **

**-Non-poisonous cooking (If you're a douche towards her, the food will start to become poisonous)**

**-Silver tongue *Extremely effective with the opposite sex* (This isn't about kissing, you pervs!) **

**-Can act like your mother if she has to *Locked until you show Sima Zhao-ness***

**-Murderer *Locked***

**-Wife of rich man *Locked if area doesn't accept gold* (I guess marrying Sima Yi wasn't all that bad)**

**Modes**

**Calm but creepy (Default)**

**Innocent and vulnerable (You're a sicko if you managed to bypass the locks) *LOCKED WITH TWENTY MASTER-GRADE DIGITAL LOCKS IN HER SYSTEM***

**Mother (to SIMA ZHAO and SIMA SHI units)**

**Wife (to SIMA YI unit)**

**Time of the Month**

**Murderer *Locked***

**Rapist *Locked***

**Mean Drunk *Locked until alcohol levels rise***

**Romancing**

**Female: Okay, go nuts. She's open-minded unless you're under 18. She's not going to be Pedobear.**

**Male: That's if you like older-ish women... And don't keep the family units around. SIMA YI unit will kill you, and you're breaking the bro code if you keep the SIMA SHI and SIMA ZHAO units. That's if you did become bros with ****them. ****Just go your normal routine and just straight out ask her. She stays on top and you don't get to talk. She's stuck in her twenties, so her sex drive is off the charts. Have fun if you like being roughed up like a dollar store chew toy.**

**Interactions**

**SIMA YI: Husband. Was considered to play that demon girl in The Exorcist, but he refused. **

**SIMA SHI: First son. Hates tacos.**

**SIMA ZHAO: Second son. Likes tacos.**

**WANG YUANJI: Daughter-in-law. Has her face stuck that way.**

**JIA CHONG: Share psychopathic therapy doctors. Plays World of Warcraft in secret. **

**ZHONG HUI: Kicked his ass in "Defeat the Rebels." Secretly uses Sima Shi's L'oreal bottles.**

**ZHEN JI: Had a one-night stand with her. Did not bother to say goodbye.**

**YUE YING: Insulted her once. She invented the car, but since she was a female, the Ancient Chinese did not listen to her and destroyed all plans. Henry Ford found these plans 1900 years later and now is credited for the car. **

**FAQ's**

**_My unit's a little girl... Is this her? I expected someone a little... bigger..._**

**Oh no... Please return her. That's the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit... but... she's not at the correct age. **

_**Her cooking is... bad...**_

**What are you talking about? She makes normal food of her time. It's rice. Rice tastes like nothing until you add things. Okay, her cooking is bland, but not awful. I don't know what you've been eating to come up with that conclusion. Just make the food yourself if you're complaining about taste.**

_**No... it's that I taste... *not finished***_

**Yep, she poisoned you, and I guess she already used the arsenic bottle, so she had to improvise.**

_**I got her pregnant.**_

**What the f***?! There is no way she could have been pregnant! She's infertile to humans! **

_**Whoops... I... Nothing... I swear I saw a bump...**_

**You're implying that she is fat, is that it? **

_**Noooooo...**_

**I thought so. **

_**I feel sick after today's lunch...**_

**Could be indigestion or the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit poisoned you. Tsk, shouldn't had been such a douche to her.**

_**I keep hearing weird noises from my bedroom I lent to the ZHANG CHUNHUA and SIMA YI units.**_

**Ahhhh, ignorance is bliss... I'm assuming you never had fifth grade sex ed?**

_**No, no, no! This is different! I hear cracking and snapping!**_

**The SIMA YI unit carries a whip while the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit carries bondage claws. Put those two items together and you got a stain that'll never come out. **

_**How in the world are the units not human? They produce body fluids like us! Just look at the f***ing bed sheet from that bed! **_

**It is very very hard to explain. The units are human, but instead of atoms, they have numbers and pixels as their building blocks. They look human and act human, but their genetic compound is not human. No, not aliens! Forget it, video game character should be a new category when classifying these people.**

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**Copyright 2014**

**DeadWarrior Corporation TM **


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